New Years Resolution.

1. don't ask me what I did, but in the middle of my post I pressed something that numbered my paragraphs. And couldn't figure out how to "undo" it.
2. 
   
3. So I am back to the blogging world. Why, well mostly cause I spend so much time reading others peoples blogs..photo blogs in specific, and wish I could be such a great story teller as them. But, I am not. I tend to ramble. And I am sad about that, but I shouldn't let that keep me from writing about my life and my kids. After all, it will still be great to look back and read all my ramblings of the kids and how they drove me crazy but I loved them all the same.
4. This one is long. I have a lot to say.
5. So in reading all these great mom blogs, several months back I read this fantastic post. And I wish I could reference back to which one it was....like I said, I read... too many actually, blogs that I cant remember who it was that wrote it....anyway. But it was a good one, cause it sticks out in my mind. The title of her blog post that day, I think was, confessions. She went on and said something about peoples comments were super nice, and though as much as she thought she was trying to "keep it real" on her blog, she felt that maybe she wasn't portraying the real her. Something like that. I remember that to make sure, she would portray the 'real' her, she went and listed all her" flaws" and confessions of how she was a mess at most times. As I was reading her post with tears in my eyes I thought to my self..."Thank you Jesus". I am not the only one struggling.

This past year I've learned a few things about myself and what it takes to be a great mom. First of all, I know that I am not alone. By that I mean that Heavenly Father is there to help us in our struggling times. I have a testimony of this. It was the summer in 2009. I was having one of those days, I was struggling with the whole being a mom thing. I was feeling and still do many times, like I'm in a dream and I am trying to run as fast as I can but just cant seem to get anywhere. After putting the kids to bed I went to my room and just cried and pleaded to my Heavenly Father for some help, some strength to keep going, I was feeling overwhelmed. My biggest trait that I was so proud of, and that was to be patient, was out the window and is still know where to be found. As pleaded I was led to my mission journal first, of all places, I know weird. I was just flipping through the pages reading random entries. When one of the entries caught my attention. We were at a members house, she was from a small branch in the town I was in. At the time she was the Relief Society president and she had 3 young boys at the time. So she was going through some of those Mom moments. I remember listening and totally not knowing what to say, but felt to share the scripture

2 Nephi 22:2.

Behold, God is my salvation: I will trust , and not be afraid; for the Lord JEHOVAH is my strenght and my song; he also became my salvation.

Very fitting to what I needed to read. And out of all places it was past me giving the feature me advice.

Anyway, life went on and that dream still happens every so often, but with a little help of Heavenly Father and wellbutrin. Life is......more managable at times.

So back to what it takes to be a great mom. It takes so much work, and it's overwhelming. As I am running around trying to get done all the "to do" or "have to do's" lists. I wish I could get to the "want to do's" Like playing Shoots and ladder with the boys and not be bored out of my mind, snuggling up and reading books in the middle of the day, and not just before bed.

lol...side note: I'm lying in bed with Derek while watching Desparete House Wives. And work is his running dream right now..He just said to me. "I don't want to live tomorrow."I laughed and gave him a kiss. I love it when he makes me laugh. poor guy wouldn't want to be in his shoes. He has a whole business on his shoulders pretty much.

Back to my story, so aside from reading, also doing crafts with the boys. I have a bucket full of stuff, which I had all these plans to do with the kids. I've done only a few times in the last 7 yrs.

At a Time out for Women that I went to at the end of last year, one of the a speakers said: Be your OWN best kind of mom.

This past year I have tried my best to be the best mom. Thought at times I've felt like a failure. But, in thinking about it, I must be a great mom for at least trying. Right? Because I TRY, not perfect..at all, but I try to be the best mom. I think so long as we Try, we are GREAT MOMS!

Derek will tell me I'm a great mom, and I wouldn't believe him. I don't look at it from at least this perspective which, I still don't really know what he sees that I don't. Maybe it's the same thing I am talking about here.

A few other things I learned that weekend:

Comparison is the fast track to missery

And to Celebrate my OWN growth.

So bottom line is this: I am a great mom, all moms that try are great moms. Even thought we may feel like we cant keep up and are overwhelmed at times. I am doing it, we are doing it. Somewhere I read: " Our perfection comes from our imperfection." We are doing what we should, what our Heavenly Father wants us to be doing. I doubt he cares how spotless our house is.(It's just so hard for me to not care or get stressed about it when my house isn't all the way clean) I think as long as its in order. He may not care so much that its spotless. So much that we take care of his children.

I want to be a happy mom this year. I want my kids to be happy, so I am going to try my darnest! For that to be true. Even if it means my house wont be perfect.

Though its easy to slip back into getting frustrated with myself, because I can't keep up. Especially when I see other moms seem like they have it together, with their house always being clean and all the rest. I will stop the comparison...cause it sure causes me missery. I will be my best OWN mom. I know for sure there will be times that I will fail miserably. I wont have my house always clean, and I wont handle a situation with my kids correctly. But I will keep at it, and be a good mother cause I'm doing it, and I am trying my best.

And this is My Growth that I am Celebrating. And this is my New years resolution.

The end. (sorry about the rambling)